J. Cole goes to J. Crew (ft. Drake)
[submitted by Mr. Bojangle$]
One chilly autumn morning, J. Cole was awakened by his clock radio playing “Moves Like Jagger.” Usually this gave him enough energy to hop out of the frigid room and into a hot shower. But today was exceptionally cold.
“OOOH!” erupted the rapper.
The seasons were changing and J. Cole wasn’t ready yet. He unlatched his window and pulled it up, only to feel an icy breeze crawl up his body.
“Cole world! No sweater!”
After slamming the window shut, he shook off the shivers to the beat, and jumped into his robe and slippers.
On top of the cold weather, this was the fourth time this week the covers had exposed his chest and feet. He definitely should not have bought twin sized sheets at 6’3”. He thought he could just get into the fetal position and avoid the extensive return process, but it proved difficult to consistently curl up every night. Earlier that week, J. Cole accidently purchased the sheets while drunkenly browsing Overstock.com. American Express had just given him a new card, and he was understandably eager to earn points.
“Brrrr.” texted J. Cole to Drake.
“Just say it. I know u want to. Also 8======D.” replied Drake. He tried to add more girth to his emoticon penis, but there were no buttons for that on his new Droid.
J. Cole responded as if the skinny dick was not there.
“Cole day. Real Cole day.”
Drake ignored J.Cole because this was J. Cole’s fourteenth self absorbed text this week. Drake was sick and tired of hearing about all the “Cole” weather. Cole this and Cole that. It wasn’t even winter yet. The fifteenth text was better. J. Cole propositioned that Drake meet him at the local mall to get some winter clothes. Drake hesitated because J.Cole had been so annoying this week, but he desperately needed a grey cashmere cardigan to match his suede desert boots. They agreed to meet at their favorite pizza place, Sbarro.
When Drake arrived, J. Cole was nowhere to be found. Even worse, no one recognized him in the food court. On a good day he was able to score some free garlic knots, but not today. Furious and hungry, Drake proceeded to J.Crew on his own.
J. Cole was already there trying on the last extra large cashmere cardigan. The J.Crew online store was always out of stock and Drake was not about to lose this opportunity to some North Carolinian. Drake fumed. He had wanted this shit forever man. He angrily yelled from across the women’s clearance isle, ran towards J. Cole, and snatched the sweater away.
“Jermaine! What the fuck?”
J. Cole knew this was serious because Drake had broken his promise to never-ever call him Jermaine. J. Cole twitched his uni-brow, turned beet red and responded the only way he knew how.
“That’s Cole Aubrey. Real. Cole. Aubrey.”
He poked Drake in the chest with every pause. The promise was officially broken both ways.
This was the last straw.
Drake punched J.Cole in the face.
